Dear Coleen

I’m 57 and have just gone through more than a year of aggressive treatment (chemo, surgery and radiotherapy) for breast cancer.

Towards the end of it, my grown-up daughter came to stay, as she needed somewhere to live for a few months.

I couldn’t accommodate her partner due to personal and practical reasons, which I explained before she moved in.

But three weeks into her moving in, she asked if he could stay one evening.

My husband and I felt backed into a corner and agreed, but I was anxious about it so I tried to explain in more detail why I wasn’t happy about it and that I was having side-effects from the drugs.

My daughter reacted badly, swearing at me and saying we should consider her feelings.

Her boyfriend said nothing, but still stayed the night. I tried to sort it out the following day, but she ended up leaving and not coming back.

We met up two weeks ago, but it didn’t go well.

She said we didn’t support her enough (she has anxiety, but won’t get professional help) and said she doesn’t need negative people around her, and that she has her partner and his family. I walked out at that point, devastated.

She’s the one who’s negative and all I’ve done is try to keep her happy and stay cheerful when what I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry.

I’m now seeing a counsellor to cope with the stress. Her older sisters can’t believe her behaviour.

She’s blocked all means of communication, too, and her boyfriend sent nasty texts saying my cancer is irrelevant in this situation.

We were such a close family and I’m shocked she’s been so callous. I’m utterly heartbroken.

Coleen says

I think you need to focus on yourself and your recovery, and rely on your other daughters, who sound like they are very supportive.

As a mother myself, I realise it’s very hard to do that, as she’s your child and you love her, however badly she’s behaving.

I think the hardest part is being so disappointed at the person she’s become.

However, you have enough to deal with, fighting to get back to good health. You need all your energy for that. Hopefully, your daughter will realise how selfish she’s being.

You have no reason to feel guilty – it’s important you have privacy and space at home while receiving treatment, without having to worry about other people.

If your daughter doesn’t get that, then she’s very insensitive.

I wouldn’t respond to her boyfriend’s texts – that could really escalate things. Instead, send your daughter a message telling her you love her, but that you’re getting through this the best way you know how.

Source: Read Full Article